RendezblueBerry SinglesOne berry at a time
Rendezblue Berry SinglesOne berry at a time
Blue Are We?
RendezBlue Berry Singles is a pioneering blueberry farm and registered spiritual church out of Moorelife, N.M.
Our aim is to curb the overabundance of blueberry consumption by the human species so one day we may live in a utopian society free of obesity and small business tax fraud.
Together with the Postal Service (and several other third party delivery services) we pack and deliver ONE SINGLE BLUEBERRY straight to your doorstep for your solitary enjoyment!
Why Just One Berry?
MoneyBe kind to your wallet! It’s a fact of produce economics that, on average, Canadians spend over $19,000 per year on containers of blueberries alone. That’s 19 – $1,000 laptops, OR, 38 – $500 cheaper laptops! What we offer can cut those yearly costs in HALF!
HealthIt’s a fact: More than two blueberries WILL KILL YOU. Sponsored content lists have shown that simply smelling raw blueberries can lead to severe heart problems and gout. There are even documented cases of people relentlessly abusing their sweet, innocent children after simply glancing at an overflowing container of blueberries. How is this possible? Because clinical studies have shown time and time again that over exposure to blueberries reduce the brains ability to access the region that governs empathy.
Humanity’s over consumption of Blueberries has lead to the molestation of our planet. Right now, as you’re reading this, our planet is being molested. Why are the bees dying? Blueberries. Who’s to blame for the rising temperature of our pale blue dot? The other pale blue dots (just to be clear, I mean a great many blueberries). What happened to my favorite, extensive chunk of Greenland ice sheet? Blueberries (probably).
How Do You Blue It?
This header should be read as a pun on “How do you DO it?” Not – “How do you blew it?” That’s not even grammatically correct, really. To cut down on confusion let us state that we blew nothing. We blew nobody.
Below is our 5 step process of how we grow one delicious blueberry, specially for you, and deliver it right to your doorstep.
Step 1 – Extreme Vetting
Before you are graced with the underwhelming glory of a single blueberry hastily shoved into your dirty mailbox, we must first determine if you are worthy. After a lengthy questionnaire, phone interview and personal interview are executed, we then take 8-27 business days to reach our verdict. If chosen, you will receive a hand delivered letter from one of our couriers.
Step 2 – Choose Your Package
Our packages offer a wide range of services that fit your single blueberry needs. We also offer custom package deals on request. A fair warning: if a custom package contains a request for more than one blueberry per month we reserve the right to bar you from our services for life.
Step 3 – Payment
We accept cash only. You can either mail us a fat envelope full of money or deliver it to our office. Your choice. All sales are final.
Step 4 – Growing
Our growing process is one of the most unique on the planet. Over the decades we have painstakingly genetically modified blueberry bushes to yield one single berry. This was done in conjunction with numerous questionable techniques including (but not limited to): Watering, Pruning, Human Sacrifice, Animal Sacrifice, Blueberry Bush Sacrifice, Pruning Blindfolded, Blindfolding Others That Are Conducting the Prune, Pruning Bushes With Prunes While Blindfolded, Pruning Prunes While Bushing Blind Folds Of Paper, and Magnets.
Step 5 – Nursing
Once the bushes reach a satisfactory degree of maturity they are then transferred to the Nursery. Here our bushes are treated to gentle spa music and warm baths. The single berry is carefully inspected on a daily basis for imperfections, deep lacerations or magnet residue.
Step 6 – Graduation
After 3 or 4 years (depending on test scores) the bush reaches graduation. A large ceremony is held for each and every bush that graduates that year. Attendance is optional, however it should be noted that individuals who failed to attend their bush’s graduation never received their single fruit due to the bush dying of immeasurable sadness.
Step 7 – Separation
The fruit is separated from its host and placed in a 10.4 cm X 24.1 cm white envelope.
Step 8 – Delivery
Your solitary blueberry is delivered either by federal post, carrier pigeon or short range (non-lethal) ballistic missile right to your doorstep!
Step 9 – Enjoy!
It has taken 4-8 years for this moment! It’s time to eat your blueberry. You may not realize it, but you have just taken the first step in optimizing your health and changing the world as we know it! Don’t you feel validated? Please, we invite you to heroically stumble into your Facebook account and post a lengthy pat-on-the-back post about what you have just accomplished. You have accomplished EVERYTHING. PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT!
It’s time to say YES to a one blueberry every-so-many-years lifestyle. Do what’s right for yourself and for our planet! I’ll use this opportunity to go ahead and shoehorn this in there: CELEBRITIES ARE DOING IT.
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